Kristyn 
No Comments Break ups
Break ups are by far the hardest thing a girl has to deal with in her life- especially if he actually meant something.
Sometimes weather the relationship lasts 6 months or 3 years, it still hurts as if someone had died. They say your heart breaks but I’d say your stomach shrinks. I feel it in my throat, stomach and my mouth. Break ups can feel like the end of the world and sometimes it takes an unusually long time to get over, or even to come to terms with the reality of what is no longer a constant in your life. Sometimes when its all over and done and there is no more that can be said… sometimes you feel that there is so much more to say. But he just won’t listen, and it just won’t make a difference. So you write. You write a letter or some kind of conclusion ending and when your finished you read it again and again. Then you either delete it and never think of it again, or you tuck it away some where safe to later look back on how you once felt. And you remember the happiness, the highlights of your love life. So heres mine…
You will forever hold special significance in my life but one day soon I will come to terms with the fact that its over. We had been through a lot and I suppose it seemed that I stopped trying because of my assumptions. The assumptions that promised us forever. But I guess not putting in an effort was the biggest mistake of our story as the ending left me without you. It’s hard to watch the tv shows we used to watch and I hate seeing your face everytime I close my eyes. I actually was able to see a future for us, I actually could picture myself walking down an asile towards your smiling face. I was able to imagine waking up to you beside me every day, but these visions are just distant, past thoughts now. All of our months spent together are now just memories in my head that constantly remind me of what could have been. I can move on. That is no problem for me at all and being alone is not a conern for me. I don’t have any concerns other then wanting these feelings to get out. But who am I kidding? I am constantly updating a status that implies happiness, or constantly accepting date invitations to prove that I have moved on. When the truth is, you still own my heart. And moving past that in a matter of hours is what I like to call impossible. How did we come so far to just end so abruptly? How did we get to the point of no return and how did I hurt you so bad to resent me like you do. The promises that were once spoken to me now resound in my head like razors, and the love we shared is now stuck in the pit of my stomach living me with chills of lonliness. I could go on and on about empty I feel and how my throat aches with words you will never hear. Nothing I do can make a difference and I understand this- but this ventilation tactict is not about you, its not about us and its not me trying to get you back. This is about me, and how I despretly need these feelings of regret to dissapear and I fear I won’t be able to do that without this procedure. I hope at some point, though it might be in the distant future, that you will be able to accept me in your life again as a friend. It is unfortunate that you are unable to realize my side of any of this. And it burns me to the pits of dispair to try and live with the fact that you cannot understand or have any willingness to understand a fraction of how I feel. All of this was about your feelings and about how you aren’t getting what you want. None of it was any kind of attempt in working together to what we want. My reactions to this are of nothing i have ever displaced before which should also express some unspoken feelings. But you seem to be too wrapped up in your own feelings to grasp that. Everytime words of resentment, bitterness or angry escape my trembling lips I am overwhelmed with regret. That is not how I deal with this but that seems to be the only way I know how these days.
I told you from the beginning I had nothing to offer you, I had nothing left inside of me and everything I had spent time on rebuilding or reinventing was shattered by your selfish words. And you still fail to see how this will effect me. How I will interact with anyone with a heart and a penis. How I will deal with any kind of pain at all. This was a breaking point that was aproaching way beyond your knowledge. I do not have anything bad to say about you. You picked me up from the darkest of my days, you carried me to the end of the tunnel and showed me light. You treated me with the most respect and dignity that was even more then I deserved at times. You listen to me yell and you held me while I cried. You watched me while I laughed and you were there for every new joy in my life. You were more than a man to me and I don’t have anything bad to say about you- until now. Until the day you reached your breaking point. You acted out of anger and frustration, you proved that love is not enough and doesn’t mean anything when it comes to waiting. You angered me in so many ways but not once did i let it come to this. You accused me, and doubted me and I accepted your apology when we attempted to work through it, and we made it. But when it comes to me angering you, you erase me from your life. Despite the fact what I did that night, although completley uncalled for, it came from pain you had made me feel in the first place. I forgave you for doubting me and acting out and a breaking point in US yet you erase me from your life when the tables have turned. But this letter isn’t supposed to explain my actions or justify what I did. It is to express feelings and to start the foundation of the bridge that you clearly want me to make- to get over you.
So heres to you- the boy who rebuild me, and helped me realize who I was. The boy who was there for me and showed me how girls are supposed to be treated. The boy who showed me never fall for someone who isn’t willing to catch you. And never believe someone when they tell you they aren’t going anywhere… because despite who you are, despite how you feel and despite all factors… people always leave. Who would want to deal with that over and over again?
I understand you are supposed to go through numerous heart breaks before you find the one who you are meant to be with- but when do I draw the line? And how much can a person take before they just shut down? I suppose know one knows… So I hope the world is ready for the person I have become.